porci-cathy246

*I was just observing random people (as what most introverts usually do...or maybe its just me) at the mall and set my eyes with the most recognized duo in public or private places , known as couples...u know...bf/gf, bf/bf, gf/gf and started my thoughts with them. I was inspired writing this journal with my friends, with their different stories of their relationship as couples, some shared media from the internet (like the quotes of Tom Hiddleston, Marcelo Santos III, NeuroLove, etc. , the short film of RA Rivera - Tales From The Friend Zone x, new album of ThisWildLife - Clouded and others)and lastly, this was the most common status of people around the world, mostly the bitter quotes. I don't know why I end up writing this journal.

Note: All of these are purely MY OPINION. I don't have any right to 'define' or 'judge' once relationship as a whole since I didn't experience this type of relationship. I didn't thoroughly studied about it.

Also, my observation is limited for Filipinos but possibly applicable for everyone.

These was based on my observation so feel free to correct me if I'm wrong



We all know what does 'Relationship' is. It is an emotional connection between people. By blood or not, or by opposite sex or not.

For the couples, it is the greatest challenge that would be given for those who need it or would willing to share with. It challenge not only the faith of two love birds, or measures the sweetness they have with each other, but also, it is a lesson learned for both of them to understand, to adjust with, to care with, and to define the true meaning of it; love.

Many would say (especially those who are bitter with it - singles, unexperienced or not) that it was the most ridiculous thing that ever happened in their lives. It was their worst nightmare that would cause them to fear to love again, worst decision to end up with, and the only hope that they have but 'destroyed' because of the person they once with this status.

Most of the quotes in Facebook and some merchandise says that, it was the most valuable thing that must be kept; a treasure. Just like a math; always finds a never ending problem (got this quote from a t-shirt in a mall...I just translated it for the good of others ), and a partner's pride etc.

And for my conclusion from my observation, my friends experiences and from the definitions above that, it was something that is easy to understand but difficult to maintain, something that is worth fulfilling and worth of wound, and something that would be easier to start but difficult to end. It was always contrasting on how it will change you before, during and after this relationship. Just like a life lesson, but this one will hit you too hard like an illegal drugs. It sounds scary, but beautiful.

Young/Weak love is all about sweets, innocence and curiosity. It aims only for cuddles and 'kilig'. Problem was a big no in this relationship. Just like a makahiya (mimosa pubica), if you accidentally harm it, the leaves will close. And if you tried to touch or open it, it would stay closed. Once a couple would hurt each other, it will trigger their negative thought that will traumatize them and they would tend to believe that these thoughts will happen. Imagination was the main enemy of most relationship. Although, it is normal for all people because, it is our defense mechanism or an instinct... The other thing is misunderstanding....

That's why no couples will stand in this bond. And that's the cause of bitterness of all ex'.

In my opinion, it was equally known as 'caring', that we share in our family, but added with sweets and spices.

(to be continued) 

Dark

Others see light but I see darkness, full darkness, illuminated by bright light.

My darkness slowly eats me. Destroys me. Slowly. Until I changed into someone that I don't know.

But light was only seen by those around me despite of darkness. They thought at me as an innocent  angel wishing to be part of them. The only hope that I have.

As darkness evades my whole identity, sorrow, fear and depression finds me. Chock me. Until nothing was left.

When everyone would saw what is beneath this light, myth leave me for instant.

Identity

Happy, caring, and conserved. That's what they see me.

No one ever knows me. Of who am I and of what am I.

My identity is my own secret. No one have thought. And no one will. And I saw it as dark. All those things that they saw at me is only a tip of an ice berg, a beautiful shell. No one have thought that I am all the opposite of what they see me as, nothing is true on what they saw through their eyes.

Trust

What I expect most for every friend that I have was trust, the only gateway to my inner darkness. Still, no one stands a pass. And no one will.

I kept it safe inside me, hiding it with a big happy smile.

No one can be trusted. I am broken. How could I trust someone again when the one that I trust the most would leave a big scar from my soul?

Sadness

My whole life always start and end up with sadness. Could I even change it if I was already broken? Am I depressed? Do I exist? Do happiness exist? 

Questions

Is this the thing that I needed? Does everything that I write were true? Is it me who wrote it or my inner self?

What am I? Who am I? All these questions were still a mystery. My mystery.

Am I broken? Am I mad? Am I sad? Am I dark? Who am I? What am I? My unknown anger overwhelms. Turning everything I see to myself as dark. But for what? For whom? And why?

Is it only an illusion? Is it fear? Or is it madness?

Why am I doing this? Why I always blame myself? Why I suffer from this madness? Why do I see darkness in me? Why?

Answers

I can't stop thinking. I can't stop asking. I can't stop this madness. It's eating me. It destroys me. It dominates me. My whole identity, turned to something different. Something I fear. Something.

I can't fight this madness. I can't stop the darkness. But I like it. It makes me feel stronger, feared and independent. I can't stop these from coming.

Is this who I am? Is this the answer of my mystery? Is this what I wanted? To be contained with sadness, hopelessness, and anger?

If I was then what would happen to me? Would I be happy? Would I be someone that I wanted to be? Would I be liked? Is this what I wanted?

No!

This is not me. This is what my mind told me to be. My own emotions exploded to madness killing my own thoughts.

It is anger, sorrow and fear that was contained for too long in myself, wanting to be freed but instead, changes my own way of living and my identity.

This is a poison. A poison that slowly kills me. It makes my thought bigger.